The Daily Telegraph – Louise Roberts   9/20/17

PREDICTION that male teachers will be extinct in Australian primary schools in 50 years sounds like the type of sci-fi plot line that belongs to some unwatchable dirge about robots conquering humans.

But when you consider the zeal of anti-men critics in this country and their myopic mission to dismantle masculinity, it makes perfect sense that we have skidded to this juncture.

Forty years ago, in 1977’s heyday of Her Majesty visiting our shores and Elvis dying, men made up 28.5 per cent of primary school teachers.

This week, the first national study of teacher numbers revealed that has dropped to 18 per cent.

In secondary schools meanwhile, it has slumped from 53.9 to 40 per cent.

Macquarie University’s Kevin McGrath, who led the study, referenced a national trend which he says no state or federal government is doing anything to fix. It’s shameful to see it there in black and white.

We know that a $10 billion increase in government school spending over the past decade has not improved the performance of Australian students. Compared to their international peers, our kids continue to fall further behind.

And our male teachers? Not cherished as they deserve to be.

I mean, it’s not as though it’s crucial to care about the welfare of boys and men.

At some point in our society, we have let our backbone snap and allowed the “What if?” brigade to run amok like an arsonist with a can of petrol.

The cretinous cowards push an agenda that there is something wrong with men who like kids and want to have a career nurturing and teaching them to be well-rounded individuals, gender handcuffs not required.

These are the same fools who think men in childcare are a threat and have to be kept busy with sports or something blokey, lest they become idle and pounce on a vulnerable kid.

Granted, the male teacher numbers indicate a slow decline, but it is steady and McGrath calculates that by 2067, male teachers will be stuffed like the Tasmanian tiger and worthy of a museum exhibit.

National strategies need to be put in place to keep male teachers, like St Cuthbert’s Lachlan Marsh, in our schools. (Pic: Sam Rosewarne)

 

Inadequate pay, undeniably a crime given their job of influencing the next generation, is an issue but McGrath says the key culprit is the perception that teaching is not a masculine profession.

And an even distribution of men and women enrolling in teaching degrees at university skews terribly when it comes to securing an interview and jobs.

“Men are more likely to try and pursue the things that fit those masculine traits and teaching is seen as women’s work,” McGrath said.

“The more that continues, the fewer men there are and the fewer men we see to challenge those perceptions.”

Listen to that silence. Where are the professional feminists calling out the “outrageous discrimination” and quotas they love to drone on about? What was that about decrying the patriarchy of men?

In essence, how much harder and crucifying do you think we can make it to be a man in modern society?

My kids have male teachers, adore them and cannot imagine a school life where all the staff are female. Or as my friend’s son said: “‘No offence mum, but there are some things guys just get.”

McGrath’s insight is timely given a week ago we were treated to images of coiffured wannabe A-lister Julia Gillard clinging to superstar singer Rihanna’s coat tails as the pair “hung out” in NYC and workshopped how to fix the global education crisis.

Former PM Gillard chairs the Global Partnership for Education. Three years ago it was given $140 million in taxpayer funds. Australia’s pledge from 2015-18 will bring total support for the project to $460 million.

Hmm, where do you think that cash could be better spent?

If Gillard wants to go back to school, how about tackling crises closer to home like disenfranchised male staff and NAPLAN confusion?

Ah, but there’s no swish private jets and diamond balls in that lot. It makes me wonder however, if any politician should be allowed near education.

McGrath’s study also mirrors PhD research released last month by Vaughan Cruickshank at the University of Tasmania.

University of Tasmania researcher Vaughan Cruickshank’s recent PhD study looked at strategies that may help male teachers remain in primary schools.

He wrote: “The biggest challenges male primary school teachers face are uncertainty about physical contact with students and an increased workload due to expectations to take on masculine roles.”

Compounding this, he said, was “social isolation caused by difficulties in developing positive professional relationships with colleagues”.

On a micro level, this meant setting up their classrooms to minimise incidental physical contact — even down to how the desks were laid out — and never being one-on-one with students.

“Many indicated they were happy to give an upset child a hug. However, they were fearful of other people perceiving the contact as inappropriate and making a career-ending accusation,” Cruickshank said.

I know a young male primary teacher who talks among his colleagues about how allegations of sexual misconduct have destroyed many good men’s teaching careers.

And even if they are exonerated, the public community court of appeal has likely already passed a harsh sentence which wrecks their life anyway.

While I am not a fan of gender quotas, we need to support men who want to teach and boost the number of permanent teaching positions.

When my friend’s eyes shine with pride about some of the kids he teaches, I am so grateful he has not been poisoned by the PC militia.

Men absent from classrooms can leave many fatherless boys to struggle even more. Girls too need the protection and leadership.

As another teacher friend said to me last night, young boys particularly in later primary years are at an age developmentally when good men in their lives can have such an important influence for the future.

As McGrath says: “They (students) can come to school and see men and women interacting in positive and nonviolent ways and also see men respond to female leadership.”

In other words, a school environment reflecting what happens in the real world.

@whatlouthinks

 

RendezView welcomes robust but civil discussion on our columns. Abuse of columnists or other readers and defamatory remarks will not be published and may result in a ban from commenting.

COMMENTS

JamesSep 25, 2017

When will the idiot decision makers in our education system wake up to themselves and realise that males and females are physiologically and psychologically different. Just as important, our children are all individuals, however the education system seems to want a “one size fits all” solution and allow our schools to be a factory that turns out a single product.

Those that cannot “conform” are said to have “slipped between the cracks”. Nice excuse!  Funny how when our kids fail at school, the school blames our kids and when the school fails our kids, they still blame the kids.

The school system needs a good balance of male and female teachers.  My son generally responds better to male teachers. Due to my boy’s high anxiety levels and mild ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) he isn’t always the best student. My wife and I have found after so many years, male teachers have a tendency to deliver discipline and then let the matter drop. My son responds well to this and feels he can put his transgressions behind him and start over again. Conversely, female teachers seem to drag a disciplinary matter out for days and will often bring up old matters again, effectively punishing him for for things he has already been punished for.

The imbalance of gender in education is just one thing that is broken in our education system. Some educational content is highly questionable and inappropriate. Methods of lesson delivery are outdated and ineffective. School disciplinary measures are ineffective to say the least, and counter-productive and damaging at the worst. At the end of the “manufacturing” process, our education system is turning out a “product” that is not prepared for the workplace and ill-prepared to meet the challenges of life.

Just who do we have to (metaphorically) crack across the back of the head to get this broken system fixed?!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Domestic Violence in the US

Intimate Partner Violence – Causes, Frequency, and Risk Factors in the 

by Charles Montaldo

Updated March 30, 2017

Over the past 25 years, the National Institute of Justice has worked to educate the public and policymakers about the widespread problem of domestic violence in the US. Because of the increased exposure, there has been more public awareness and policies and laws have been instituted, resulting in the decrease of 30% in domestic abuse.

In an effort to learn more about domestic violence and the effect of the policies designed to help combat it, the NIJ has sponsored a series of studies over the years.

The results of the research have been two-fold, by first identifying the top causes and risk factors surrounding domestic violence and then by taking an in-depth look at how and if the policies designed to combat it are actually helping.

As a result of the research it was determined that some of the policies, such as removing firearms in homes where there is domestic violence, offering increased assistance and counseling to the victims, and prosecuting the violent abusers, have helped women get away from violent partners and decreased the number of domestic violence incidents over the years.

What was also revealed was that some of the policies may not be working and in fact, could be detrimental to the victims. Intervention, for example, sometimes has an adverse effect and can actually endanger the victims because of an increase in retaliatory behavior by the abusers.

It was also determined that those domestic abusers who are considered to be “chronically aggressive” will continue to be abusive no matter what type of intervention is given including arrest.

By identifying the major risk factors and causes of domestic violence, the NIJ can focus their efforts where it most needed and modify policies that are found to be ineffective or detrimental.

Major Risk Factors and Causes of Domestic Violence

Researchers found that the following situations either put people at greater risk of being a victim of intimate partner violence or were the actual causes of domestic violence.

Early Parenthood

Women who became mothers at the age of 21 or under are twice more likely to become victims of domestic violence than women who became mothers at an older age.

Men who have fathered children by age 21 were more than three times as likely to be abusers as men who were not fathers at that age.

Problem Drinkers

Males who have severe drinking problems are at a greater risk for lethal and violent domestic behavior. More than two-thirds of the offenders who commit or attempt homicide used alcohol, drugs, or both during the incident. Less than one-fourth of the victims used alcohol and/or drugs.

Severe Poverty

Severe poverty and the stress that comes with it increase the risk of domestic violence. According to studies, households with less income have higher incidents of domestic violence reported. In addition, the reductions in aid to families with children are also associated with an increase in domestic violence.

Unemployment

Domestic violence has been linked to unemployment in two major ways. One study found that women who are victims of domestic violence have a more difficult time finding employment. Another study found that women who receive aid for themselves and their children were less stable in their jobs.

Mental and Emotional Distress

Women who experience severe domestic violence face overwhelming mental and emotional distress. Almost half of the women suffer from major depression, 24% suffer from posttraumatic stress disorder, and 31% from anxiety.

No Warning

A woman’s attempt to leave their partner was the number one factor in 45% of the women murdered by their partners. One in five women killed or severely injured by their partner had no warning. The fatal or life-threatening incident was the first physical violence they had experienced from their partner.

How Widespread is Domestic Violence?

Statistics from select studies sponsored by the National Institute of Justice shows how large a problem domestic violence is in the US.

• Every year approximately 1.3 million women and 835,000 men are physically assaulted by their partners.

• Women are significantly more likely than men to be injured during an intimate partner assault (39 percent compared with 24.8 percent).
• Out of all women murdered in the US each year, 40-50% were murdered by their intimate partners. In 70-80% of the homicides that occurred during incidents of domestic violence, no matter which partner was killed, the man physically abused the woman before the murder.
• Sexual assault or forced sex occurs in approximately 40-45% of the relationships where there is domestic abuse.
• Among those surveyed, the lifetime occurrence of domestic violence for women age 18 and older was nearly 25% and 7.6% for men.

In 2006, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention began the National Intimate and Sexual Violence Surveillance program to gather and distribute additional information for each state about the frequency of domestic violence, sexual violence, and stalking.

The results of a 2010 survey conducted by the NISVS showed that on average, 24 people per minute are victims of rape, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner in the US. Annually that equals more than 12 million women and men.

These findings emphasize the need for continued work in the development of strategies for prevention and in bringing effective help to those in need.

 

Domestic violence

Hidden rise in violent crime driven by growth in violence against women

While violence against men continues to fall, new research uncovers upward trend coinciding with austerity-led cuts to domestic violence services

Damien Gayle

 @damiengayle

Tue 12 Jan 2016 19.01 ESTLast modified on Tue 28 Nov 2017 23.19 EST

A rally against cuts to domestic violence services in November 2015, led by Sisters Uncut; women’s groups say there is a link between cutbacks and the rise in violence. Photograph: Natasha Quarmby/Demotix/Corbis

Women are bearing the brunt of an invisible rise in violent crime, a new analysis shows. Domestic violence and violence against women have increased since 2009, researchers found, pushing up overall levels of violent crime.

The findings contradict the official message that violent crime has been in decline since the mid-90s. They also begin to challenge the assertion that men are the most likely victims; violent crime against men continues to fall.

A team led by Sylvia Walby, Unesco chair in gender research and a professor of sociology at Lancaster University, discovered the rise in violent crime after looking again at data collected by the Crime Survey of England and Wales(CSEW) between 1994 and 2014.

Violent crime against women massively understated, statistics agency told

Official statisticians cap the number in a series of crimes that a single person can report to the survey at five, to stop outliers skewing the statistics. But Walby argues that this method excludes the experiences of “high frequency” victims – particularly victims of domestic violence – who often make up more than 5% of respondents.

To take these victims into account, Walby and her colleagues instead looked at all reported crimes. The new study also slightly alters the definition of violent crime to include sexual offences such as rape, which are usually given their own category in CSEW figures.

Abandoning the cap and including sex crimes shows the fall in violent crime reached a turning point in 2009, when a rise in domestic violence and violence against women by acquaintances begins. Although violence against women by strangers remains flat, and violence against men continues to fall, the rises are so marked they fuel an overall rise in violent crime.

Women’s groups say it is no coincidence that the rise begins at the same time as the financial crisis and the beginning of austerity politics in Britain. They are calling for a reversal of cuts to specialist domestic violence services. Many have closed as a result of belt-tightening in local government since 2010.

UK violent crime rates over the past two decades, as measured by the Crime Survey of England and Wales and broken down by violence against men and violence against women

The change coincides with the repercussions of the financial crisis, the researchers point out. “The turning point in the rate of these violent crimes is consistent with an explanation focused on the reduced economic independence of women and the impact of the cuts to services on which women disproportionately depend,” they write, although they add that more investigation is needed.

Vivienne Hayes, chief executive of the Women’s Resource Centre, said that while austerity had played a part in the rise in violence against women, some of it was also the result of a troubling resurgence of sexism.

“While we are deeply saddened by the results of Walby’s research, we are not surprised,” she said. “Our member organisations have been telling us repeatedly that demand for their services, which include rape crisis centres and small specialist Violence Against Women and Girls services, has rocketed, whilst investment in services has plummeted.

 A refuge provided safety for me and my family, others are not so lucky now

Charlotte Richardson Andrews

“Research from a range of sources strongly suggests that over the last few years our societal view of women, from violent pornography, violent computer games, street harassment and everyday sexism, to the lack of women in positions of leadership and the attempt to remove women’s contribution to political progress in the A level curriculum, is creating a view of women which nurtures and normalises our violation.

“Only when we take a bird’s eye view of all of these issues and develop a joined up strategy to tackle them head on, will we see a reduction in violent crime against women.”

WRC cited House of Commons research showing that direct taxes and social security cuts will take £9.6bn net a year from families – £7bn of which is from women. The group’s own research has found that 95% of women’s organisations had experienced cuts, rising to 100% for BME women’s organisations.

The CSEW is a face-to-face survey asking people about their experiences of a range of crimes in the past year. It is regarded as the gold standard of crime statistics since it includes unreported crimes and is unaffected by changes in police recording practices.

Official statisticians have argued that the cap on the number of crimes a single person can report to eliminate volatility in the results, allowing them to better identify trends. Walby and her colleagues get around that problem by instead using a three-year moving average of statistics.

Survivors of domestic abuse most often report not just one incident of violence and intimidation, or even several, but a systematic and sustained campaign of repression that can last years.

That was the case with Ava Freebody, from Sussex, who spent 27 years with her abusive husband before she was finally able to escape. She has contempt for any suggestion that crime statistics would cap the number in a series of incidents reported by a single victim, calling it ridiculous.

“How can you possibly put a cap on something and say that after five times it doesn’t count? I remember all the incidents, I remember all the things that were done to me, and to say we are only going to count five times makes me feel worthless,” she said. “It’s like somehow this is your fault, it’s like if this had happened more than five times then you must have been asking for it.

“I think we have a situation here where I think of this as domestic terrorism. If the perpetrators were Isis we would be throwing so many resources into it and we would recognise the repeated attacks on liberties and health.”

Walby also condemned the capping, saying it “omits crimes and therefore biases the crime rate downwards – it is lower than it should be. The objection to taking the cap off is that this introduces more year-to-year volatility. Uncapping and [giving] three-year moving averages provides an unbiased figure that also solves the volatility problem.”

Christina Jay, an activist with Sisters Uncut, which campaigns against cuts to such services, added: “This research proves the urgent need for meaningful investment in domestic violence support. We hope the government acknowledges the undeniable human cost of austerity and put substantial measures, policies and funding commitments in place to make sure that all domestic violence survivors can flee violence and live safely.”

 

 

CORI ANNE WEBER – DID YOU KNOW FACTS.COM

 

6 WARNING SIGNS YOU’RE SUFFERING FROM LONELINESS. HERE’S HOW TO BEAT IT.

 

Cori Anne Weber

There are 6 common behaviors that indicate loneliness, but many people don’t realize it. In fact, loneliness plagues 1 out of every 5 Americans, and can be detrimental to your physical health.

If you or someone you know might be lonely, be on the lookout for any of the following behaviors.

#6. OFTEN IN BED, BUT NOT SLEEPING

Studies suggest that lonely people spend a lot more time in bed, but a lot less time sleeping. Chronic loneliness can cause insomnia because you need to feel secure in your social environment in order to sleep well. Also, the effects of loneliness can make you feel like you need to get in bed, even if you aren’t tired.

 

Solution: Your view of the world or your current situation is usually the culprit, so seeing a therapist, structuring your days, or exploring everything from medication to exercise can be helpful, according to psychologists.

#5. FACEBOOK ADDICTION

One quick Google search is proof that multiple studies have been conducted regarding Facebook addiction. The common denominator of their results is that people who are addicted to Facebook are trying to fill a void of social interaction. This behavior is counterproductive, because most people only present the best sides of themselves on Facebook, so a lonely person who’s constantly scrolling through their newsfeed is regularly seeing others looking their happiest – which only encourages self-isolation.

Solution: Get in touch with an old friend instead of stalking their profile. Trying to fill a social void with virtual content is like looking at a picture of pizza when you’re hungry instead of actually eating it.

 

 Around the Web#4. EXCESSIVE AMOUNT OF LONG, HOT SHOWERS

Yale psychologist John Bargh, PhD, conducted many studies that showed lonely people take longer and hotter showers. Actually, according to his results, the lonelier the person, the longer the shower and the hotter their preferred temperature.

 

Solution: Bargh found that physical coldness equals feelings of social coldness, and a lot of people don’t realize it. Taking that hot shower is making you feel better inside, so seeking out warmth in other ways can also be helpful. Drink hot chocolate, start a fire, or curl up with a heating pad to help soothe your negative feelings.

#3. OBSESSED WITH NEEDING TO BUY MORE ‘STUFF’

It’s called “material possessions love,” and it’s another big sign that you’re trying to fill a void by buying things.

 

Solution: Research has repeatedly shown that having more things does not increase happiness. Starting a hobby or planning a vacation is much more healing than getting a new TV or another pair of shoes. It also puts you in situations that expose you to social interaction, which is what you’re really in need of.

 

#2. WEIGHT GAIN

Here you are, filling that void again, only this time you’re doing it with lasagna and ice cream. The common theme from most of these behaviors is addiction and excess. Whether it’s food, ‘stuff,’ lying in bed, or social media, you’re using easily accessible things to replace human connection.

Solution: Be social. A study showed that socializing can actually help you stay skinny. The research was only done using mice, so take these results with a grain of salt. But the idea makes sense if you know you’re eating too much because you feel lonely.

#1. ALWAYS SICK

You might think a lot of human contact exposes you to more contagious illnesses, but loneliness can potentially make you even sicker.

 

Psychologist John Cacioppo from the University of Chicago has done numerous studies on the biological effects of loneliness. He’s found that lonely people have much higher rates of all-cause mortality, high blood pressure, cancer, infection, heart disease, inflammation, high blood pressure, and learning and memory problems.

The reason why: Isolating yourself makes your immune system lazy toward viral invasion because it has a fixed fighting capability; it has to decide whether to focus on protecting against viral threats or bacterial invasions. If you’re chronically lonely, you send signals to your body that bacteria is more of a threat to you than a virus.

Solution: According to Cacioppo, two of the best ways to treat loneliness are to train yourself for the social skills you need to view the world positively and to share good times with good people.

If you consistently fall into any of these behaviors, psychologists say your best bet is to start nurturing your relationships – because finding just one person to connect with can make all the difference in the world.

 

 

6 Warning Signs You’re Suffering From Loneliness. Here’s How To Beat It.

 

 

Although this article seems to target men as the source of the problem, the gals have their share of this too. Sometimes it just looks different than the men.

 

Preston Ni M.S.B.A.

Communication Success

10 Signs of a Passive-Aggressive Relationship

How to spot a passive-aggressive relationship

Posted Aug 02, 2015

Source: Shutterstock

The NYU Medical Center defines a passive-aggressive individual as someone who “may appear to comply or act appropriately, but actually behaves negatively and passively resists.” A passive-aggressive relationship can occur in romantic partnership, family, social circles, or at the workplace.

Passive-aggressive actions can range from the relatively mild, such as making excuses for not following through, to the very serious, such as sabotaging someone’s well-being and success.

Most chronically passive-aggressive individuals have four common characteristics: They’re unreasonable to deal with, they’re uncomfortable to experience, they rarely express their hostility directly, and they repeat their subterfuge behavior over time.

Here are ten common traits passive-aggressive people exhibit in relationships, with excerpts from my book (click on title): “How to Successfully Handle Passive-Aggressive People(link is external)“. Most pathological passive-aggressives manifest a least several of the following behaviors on a regular basis, while remaining largely unaware (or unconcerned with) how their actions impact others. There are overlaps in some of the categories below.

1. Disguised Verbal Hostility

Examples: Negative gossip. Negative orientation. Habitual criticism of ideas, conditions, and expectations. Addressing an adult like a child. Invalidation of others’ experiences and feelings.

Possible Intention(s): Putting others down to feel dominant and superior. Causing others to feel inadequate and insecure to relieve one’s own sense of deficiency. Seeking a false sense of importance by being persistently critical. Consciously or unconsciously spreading one’s own unhappiness (misery loves company). Competing for power and control in relationship.

2. Disguised Hostile Humor

Examples: Sarcasm. Veiled hostile joking — often followed by “just kidding.” Repetitive teasing. Subtle “digs” at one’s appearance, gender, socio-cultural background, credentials, behavior, decisions, social relations, etc.

Possible Intention(s): Express hidden anger, disapproval, or rejection towards an individual. Distain towards an individual for what she or he represents. Using humor as a weapon in an attempt to marginalize another’s humanity, dignity and credibility.

3. Disguised Relational Hostility

Examples: The silent treatment. The invisible treatment. Social exclusion. Neglect. Sullen resentment. Indirectly hurting something or someone of importance to the targeted person.

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Possible Intention(s): Express anger or resentment. Punishment. Purposely creating negative and disconcerting environment. Putting the targeted recipient off balance. Attempting to create insecurity.

4.  Disguised Psychological Manipulation

Examples: Lying. Excuse making. Two faced. Backstabbing. Deliberate button pushing. Negative or discomforting surprises. Blaming the victim for causing their own victimization. Deformation of the truth. Mixed messages to keep recipient off balance. Strategic disclosure or withholding of key information. Exaggeration. Understatement. One-sided bias of issue.

Possible Intention(s): Deception and Intrigue. Avoidance of responsibility. Manipulate facts of the issue. Distort perception for easier persuasion and control. Misdirection to take focus off of the real issue.

5. Guilt-Baiting

Examples: Unreasonable blaming. Targeting recipient’s soft spot. Holding another responsible for the passive-aggressive’s happiness and success. Holding another responsible for the passive-aggressive’s unhappiness and failures.

Possible Intention(s): Targeting the recipient’s emotional weaknesses and vulnerability. Manipulate and coerce the recipient into ceding unreasonable requests and demands.

6. Stalling

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Examples: Procrastination. Forgetting. Stonewalling. Withholding resources or information. Unnecessary bureaucracy and red tape. Excuse making. Broken agreements. Lack of follow through.

Possible Intention(s): Avoiding responsibility, duty, and obligations. Maintaining power and control by imposing many hoops to jump through. Passive competitiveness making life more difficult for others. Purposely blocking others’ success. Jealousy of others’ success.

7.  Resistance

Examples: Stubbornness. Rigidity. Inefficiency, complication, incompletion, or ruination of task.

Possible Intentions(s): Power struggle. Passive combativeness. “Victory” is gained from the frustrated efforts and negative emotions of the recipient.

8. Underhanded Sabotage

Examples: Purposely undermine tasks, projects, activities, deadlines or agreements. Causing harm or loss materially. Overspending. Wrecking positive chemistry interpersonally, socially or professionally. Deliberate disclosure of harmful information. Deliberate obstruction of communication and endeavors.

Possible Intention(s): Covertly express anger, hostility, and resentment towards an individual, group, or organization. Channeling unspoken gripe or unresolved past issues. Personal, social, or professional jealously. Subtly administering punishment or revenge.

9. Self-Punishment (“I’ll show YOU”)

Examples: Quitting. Deliberate failure. Addiction. Self-harm.

Possible Intention(s): Hurting another by hurting oneself. Aiming to frustrate, frighten, or pain someone. Appeal to sympathy. Drama. Wanting and needing attention. A cry for help on deeper issues (might require strong intervention).

10. Victimhood

Examples: Exaggerated or imagined personal issues. Exaggerated or imagined health issues. Dependency. Co-dependency. Deliberate frailty to elicit sympathy and favor.  Playing weak, powerless, or martyr.

Possible Intention(s): Designed to exploit the recipient’s good will, guilty conscience, sense of duty and obligation, or protective and nurturing instinct.

See Preston Ni for other articles on passive-aggressive behavior.

Preston Ni M.S.B.A.

Communication Success

10 Signs of a Passive-Aggressive Relationship

How to spot a passive-aggressive relationship

Posted Aug 02, 2015

Source: Shutterstock

The NYU Medical Center defines a passive-aggressive individual as someone who “may appear to comply or act appropriately, but actually behaves negatively and passively resists.” A passive-aggressive relationship can occur in romantic partnership, family, social circles, or at the workplace.

Passive-aggressive actions can range from the relatively mild, such as making excuses for not following through, to the very serious, such as sabotaging someone’s well-being and success.

Most chronically passive-aggressive individuals have four common characteristics: They’re unreasonable to deal with, they’re uncomfortable to experience, they rarely express their hostility directly, and they repeat their subterfuge behavior over time.

Here are ten common traits passive-aggressive people exhibit in relationships, with excerpts from my book (click on title): “How to Successfully Handle Passive-Aggressive People(link is external)“. Most pathological passive-aggressives manifest a least several of the following behaviors on a regular basis, while remaining largely unaware (or unconcerned with) how their actions impact others. There are overlaps in some of the categories below.

1. Disguised Verbal Hostility

Examples: Negative gossip. Negative orientation. Habitual criticism of ideas, conditions, and expectations. Addressing an adult like a child. Invalidation of others’ experiences and feelings.

Possible Intention(s): Putting others down to feel dominant and superior. Causing others to feel inadequate and insecure to relieve one’s own sense of deficiency. Seeking a false sense of importance by being persistently critical. Consciously or unconsciously spreading one’s own unhappiness (misery loves company). Competing for power and control in relationship.

2. Disguised Hostile Humor

Examples: Sarcasm. Veiled hostile joking — often followed by “just kidding.” Repetitive teasing. Subtle “digs” at one’s appearance, gender, socio-cultural background, credentials, behavior, decisions, social relations, etc.

Possible Intention(s): Express hidden anger, disapproval, or rejection towards an individual. Distain towards an individual for what she or he represents. Using humor as a weapon in an attempt to marginalize another’s humanity, dignity and credibility.

3. Disguised Relational Hostility

Examples: The silent treatment. The invisible treatment. Social exclusion. Neglect. Sullen resentment. Indirectly hurting something or someone of importance to the targeted person.

article continues after advertisement

Possible Intention(s): Express anger or resentment. Punishment. Purposely creating negative and disconcerting environment. Putting the targeted recipient off balance. Attempting to create insecurity.

4.  Disguised Psychological Manipulation

Examples: Lying. Excuse making. Two faced. Backstabbing. Deliberate button pushing. Negative or discomforting surprises. Blaming the victim for causing their own victimization. Deformation of the truth. Mixed messages to keep recipient off balance. Strategic disclosure or withholding of key information. Exaggeration. Understatement. One-sided bias of issue.

Possible Intention(s): Deception and Intrigue. Avoidance of responsibility. Manipulate facts of the issue. Distort perception for easier persuasion and control. Misdirection to take focus off of the real issue.

5. Guilt-Baiting

Examples: Unreasonable blaming. Targeting recipient’s soft spot. Holding another responsible for the passive-aggressive’s happiness and success. Holding another responsible for the passive-aggressive’s unhappiness and failures.

Possible Intention(s): Targeting the recipient’s emotional weaknesses and vulnerability. Manipulate and coerce the recipient into ceding unreasonable requests and demands.

6. Stalling

article continues after advertisement

Examples: Procrastination. Forgetting. Stonewalling. Withholding resources or information. Unnecessary bureaucracy and red tape. Excuse making. Broken agreements. Lack of follow through.

Possible Intention(s): Avoiding responsibility, duty, and obligations. Maintaining power and control by imposing many hoops to jump through. Passive competitiveness making life more difficult for others. Purposely blocking others’ success. Jealousy of others’ success.

7.  Resistance

Examples: Stubbornness. Rigidity. Inefficiency, complication, incompletion, or ruination of task.

Possible Intentions(s): Power struggle. Passive combativeness. “Victory” is gained from the frustrated efforts and negative emotions of the recipient.

8. Underhanded Sabotage

Examples: Purposely undermine tasks, projects, activities, deadlines or agreements. Causing harm or loss materially. Overspending. Wrecking positive chemistry interpersonally, socially or professionally. Deliberate disclosure of harmful information. Deliberate obstruction of communication and endeavors.

Possible Intention(s): Covertly express anger, hostility, and resentment towards an individual, group, or organization. Channeling unspoken gripe or unresolved past issues. Personal, social, or professional jealously. Subtly administering punishment or revenge.

9. Self-Punishment (“I’ll show YOU”)

Examples: Quitting. Deliberate failure. Addiction. Self-harm.

Possible Intention(s): Hurting another by hurting oneself. Aiming to frustrate, frighten, or pain someone. Appeal to sympathy. Drama. Wanting and needing attention. A cry for help on deeper issues (might require strong intervention).

10. Victimhood

Examples: Exaggerated or imagined personal issues. Exaggerated or imagined health issues. Dependency. Co-dependency. Deliberate frailty to elicit sympathy and favor.  Playing weak, powerless, or martyr.

Possible Intention(s): Designed to exploit the recipient’s good will, guilty conscience, sense of duty and obligation, or protective and nurturing instinct.

See Preston Ni for other articles on passive-aggressive behavior.

 

Following will be some articles concerning the dilemma of the modern male. Personally, I am seeing huge swings between the passive male, the passive-aggressive male and the violent male in our society. Is it just me? Are other people seeing this ‘all or nothing’ approach to maleness in our current society? More women are taking lead roles in business and education. Is this such a good thing? How do people like working in female- dominated jobs?

Brett | May 9, 2011 (The Art of Manliness)

Last updated: November 26, 2017

A Man’s Life, On Manhood

The Cure for the Modern Male Malaise: The 5 Switches of Manliness

 

A few weeks ago, I caught the premiere of the Discovery’s Channel’s “Human Planet,” a television show about the ways people have adapted to survive in Earth’s most extreme environments. Perhaps a better name for the program would have been “Man Planet,” as the show primarily chronicled the incredible feats of men around the world–men the tentacles of civilization have barely grazed. There were men mining sulfur from an active volcano; men diving dozens of feet and holding their breath for five minutes at a time to spear fish on the ocean floor; men initiating their sons into manhood by teaching them how to train eagles to hunt.  Even seemingly pedestrian tasks like taking your kids to school were fraught with danger; a father escorted his children on a 60 mile journey through the Himalayas, watching for potential avalanches and walking over a frozen river that could have cracked open at any moment.

I was immediately taken in by the show’s spectacular cinematography. But it was the image of these men straining and sweating, risking life and limb to provide for and feed their families that really caught my attention.

And by the end of the show, a bunch of things I’ve been thinking about for awhile had coalesced together.

What’s Plaguing Modern Men?

There has been a copious amounts of hand wringing lately about the state of modern men, about the fact that men appear to be falling behind in life and seem unmotivated and listless.

Why all this concern? The statistics are familiar to anyone who has read this genre of articles:

• Women are more likely than men to graduate from high school.
• Only 44% of undergraduates at community and four year colleges are men.
• Female college students have higher grade point averages than men and are more likely to graduate within four years.
• According to the US Census, “Among young adults 25 to 29, 35 percent of women and 27 percent of men possessed a bachelor’s degree or more in 2009. This gap has grown considerably in the last decade: it was only 3 percentage points in 1999 (30 percent for women, 27 percent for men).”
• Women are 60% more likely than men to earn a bachelor’s degree by the time they are 23.
• According to the US Census, for the first time in history, more women than men are earning advanced degrees. “In the 25-29 age group, 9 percent of women and 6 percent of men held either a master’s, professional (such as law or medical) or doctoral degree.” Nearly six out of ten adults holding advanced degrees between the ages of 25 and 29 are women.
• Men lost 3/4 of the 8 million jobs that disappeared during the recession.
• For the first time in history, there are now more women in the workforce than men.
• 1/3 of men ages 22-34 still live at home with their parents. An increase of 100% in the last 20 years. According to the census, among young adults ages 18-24, 56 percent of men and 48 percent of women still live at home with their parents.

Plenty of theories have been offered as to what is behind these statistics. Some say the economy is to blame, as traditionally male industries have been moved off shore or gone extinct. Another reason given is that corporate culture and bureaucracy have sucked the soul out of men and taken away their manly autonomy. Others say it’s our consumer culture and the rise of particularly time-sucking hobbies like video games. And some say the root of the problem is feminism, the changing dynamic of male/female relationships, and the “cheapness of sex.”

But I would argue that there isn’t just one thing that you can point at and decisively say, “That one. That one was the man killer.” Instead, the source of the modern male’s lack of motivation is a conglomeration of all these factors. In short, the “problem”  is modern life in general.

To me the modern world is the best possible world to live in, without a doubt. The advancements we’ve made in technology and culture have made life safer, freer, and longer than ever before.

At the same time, no matter how unmitigated a good is, there are always unintended consequences that we have to grapple with. And the unintended consequence of modern life is that men feel lost and adrift.

The Wild Man Navigates Life in the 21rst Century

“Our forefathers had civilization inside themselves, the wild outside. We live in the civilization they created, but within us the wilderness still lingers. What they dreamed, we live, and what they lived, we dream.” -T.K. Whipple

And so we have a mismatch, where for men in the developed world the inner elements of masculinity remain unchanged, while the outer landscape in which those elements exist has been dramatically altered. Instead of spending most of our time outside each day, we spend the majority of it inside.  Instead of hunting down our dinner, we buy our meat pre-cut, in Styrofoam containers. Instead of being looked to as leaders of the tribe, we see ourselves lampooned in the media as bumbling and inept.

The primal elements of masculinity sit within us like a well-trained regiment of soldiers that is ready and itching to fight, but sits waiting restlessly, and endlessly, in reserve. Core aspects of the male psyche lie dormant, and men find themselves as square pegs trying to fit into a round hole. Having butted up against this mismatch over and over again, men are feeling angry and restless, losing their motivation, and giving up.

Modern Man: Stuck Between a Rock and a Hard Place

There are many more pundits who like to describe the problem with men today than actually propose a solution. And when a solution is proffered, it typically takes the form of “Get over it men. Your sun has set. Move on. It’s a woman’s world now.” And what this typically translates to is this: become more like women. Get in touch with your feelings, become more nurturing, and train to join the thriving, and traditionally female-dominated careers like nursing. The square peg is told to smooth off his sharp corners.

And so here we arrive at the crux of the problem. The solution offered to men by some–become more like women and leave behind traditional manliness–is not attractive to most guys. And the idea of going to live in a cave or an abandoned bus to live off the land isn’t a viable or desirable option either for most.  And thus men find themselves at what seems like a rock and a hard place. Feeling like there is no way forward, they sit down and surrender, and simply content themselves with drifting along.

Now some say that the drifting male isn’t really a problem at all. That men are obsolete and there isn’t a role for them to play in the modern world anyway. To which I say, bullocks!

It’s great that women finally have the freedom and opportunities to be their best, but society needs to have bothsexes striving to reach their fullest potential.

Men at their best will be needed in every time and in every place. Our unique attributes are no longer always called upon for hunting dinner and doing battle. But we still need men to become leaders of families, honorable statesmen, innovators and entrepreneurs, teachers and mentors, and worthy brothers, husbands, and citizens

There’s still a role for men to play in the world. We simply need to find a way to get motivated and going again. To get back on the horse.

Flipping the Switches of Manliness

The solution for the modern male malaise lies at the heart of the idea behind the Art of Manliness itself: to move forward by looking back.

The solution means moving beyond the all-or-nothing proposition we sometimes feel we are stuck with. Men feel like they cannot fully embrace the old ways nor move into the new ways, and so they decide to do nothing at all. But it doesn’t have to be an all or nothing proposition. You don’t have to become a sensitive ponytail guy OR a Neanderthal.

And the thing I’ve discovered is that you can activate your Wild Man by doing things far short of running down a herd of antelope for your dinner. You can take the parts of masculinity that have been an integral part of manliness for thousands of years and make sure some semblance of them are operating in your life. Not to the extent that they were manifested in the lives of primitive man, but active nonetheless.  Sometimes we don’t move forward in our life because we think the solution to our problem must be complicated and arduous to be effective. But the switches of manliness can be turned on in surprisingly small and simple ways.

What are the switches of manliness?

• Legacy
• Providing
• Physicality
• Nature
• Challenge

.

 

Just a Little Social Jaunt.

“You can pick up one at the Salvation Army. I heard they had them for sale.” Deborah stared forward as she drove.

Vondra turned the metal stick around in her hands. A long, thin metal pole, plastic bits circled the pole at intervals. These were used as extenders to make the pole longer for a taller hiker.

She stared at the dull red surface. This hiking pole was old and beat up; it had seen some wear.

“Well, they also have them at Big Five and REI. But, the ones at REI are really expensive.” Deborah nodded knowingly at her friend in the next seat over.

“Yeah,” said Sue. “About $75.00 for a set. That’s how much I paid. But, I’ve had them for years and years!” She bobbed her blonde head enthusiastically.

In the backseat, Vondra placed the metal stick down on the plush grey upholstery of Deborah’s vehicle. Sorry, her CRV, as had been pointed out to her. Deborah had loaned her the stick for the day.

Deborah and Sue babbled on in the front seats. Vondra stared out at the rolling countryside they were passing on this old country road. It was green and all, but really a whole lot of nothing out here. Palm trees, brush grass, some old oaks here and there. Her co-passenger, Frank, stared silently out his window.

She knew she was going to have to get one of these walking sticks if she was to keep on hiking. But, she sure as hell wasn’t paying any $75! You’ve got to be kidding, she thought to herself.

“Here we are!” Deborah announced and turned into the narrow asphalt drive. They zipped past the little guard shack.

“I think we have to pay $5.00 in one of those envelopes.” Sue was anxious. Deborah waved a manicured hand dismissively.

“Pish. I don’t think they even check.”

Deborah pulled the CRV into a parking space and they got out. Frank got out and disappeared and then reappeared waving a little paper slip in the air.

“Here’s the ticket. I saw a park officer down the way, I think they are checking today.” He handed it to Deborah.

She snatched it without comment and stuck it into a corner of her dash. “Got everything?” she asked the collective group. They all grabbed for last minute items and walked over to the leader.

Slim Jim was holding court with a clipboard and marking off names. They each announced themselves and he dutifully checked off on the sheet.

Doty with her big fluffy dog showed up and she joined Deborah and Sue. The women immediately began whispering in low voices.

Slim Jim was done with the roll call and waved his walking stick forward indicating it was time to hike.

 

The weather was pleasant. A spring day; breezy, sunny but no rain.  Light fluffy clouds moved lazily across a blue sky.

“It won’t be a very long trail today, about 2-3 miles is all,” Slim was announcing, “and fairly flat so that should be pretty easy for everyone.” Nods all around. “We will be going as far as the fish farms and then turning around and coming back.”

Slim always walked with walking sticks due to his bad knees. Vondra knew she could depend on this being an easy hike. She followed his lead as he good-naturedly chatted to members of the group and lectured about the terrain.

“…and the water is high right now since they are letting more out of the dam.”

“Why is that, Jim?”

“The snow pack is melting upstream in the mountains and starting to run downhill.”

In the far distance, the snow-capped Sierra Mountains could be seen. Today people hiked with sticks, long pants and boots. Windbreakers protected against chilly spring breezes.  Most hikers wore hats against potential sun and water bottles hung around bellies and backs. The group could be considered from generally middle-aged to those in the softly declining ‘golden years.’

“And then the bathroom,” Jody was going on, “going to redo it in all tile and then maybe think about doing the kitchen. Good ol’ Mom, leaving me everything like that. Really makes retirement so much easier.”

Deborah nodded. “I know what you mean. I am thinking about redoing mine too, but I am busy with the trailer right now.”

“How’s that going?”

“It’s good. It’s over by the coast, you knew that.” Deborah glanced at Sue. Sue nodded. “So, I call them whenever I plan to go over. Then one of the guys gets out a forklift, pulls it out and sets it up. It is so easy.” She dabbed a Kleenex at some sweat beading on her makeup.

“Wow,” Doty added, skipping to keep up. “What a great a deal. What made you decide to do it?”

“Love the coast, always have,” Deborah replied as they trudged through tall grasses.

“I thought it was difficult to get financing on trailers,” Vondra put in, pulling up the rear. “Especially second homes.”

“Oh, I paid cash for it,” Deborah laughed. It sounded like a tinkling bell. “Of course,” she smiled and glanced sideways at her friend Sue.

“Oh, of course,” Vondra added with a lowered voice.

The women continued to chat as the group moved farther toward the river.

“Well, I have a new mobile home, did I tell you, Deborah?” Doty asked.

“No, tell us.”

“Well, it just went through. I am so excited. It’s by the beach too and I got such a great deal!’

“Wow,” Deborah nodded.

“The great thing,” Doty gushed, “is I can rent it out during the summer because it is such a popular beach. Probably $1200 a week!” She giggled. “I just can’t live on Social Security, it’s just not enough, you know?”

“Oh, don’t I know it.” Deborah replied. “If it hadn’t been for the alimony all these years, I don’t know what I would have done.”

“Isn’t being retired great?” Doty asked.

“It so is,” Deborah replied.

“Here are the falls,” Jim gestured with his walking stick. The group paused and made collective appreciative noises. The falls were a small but busy affair, gushing and bubbling cheerfully as they poured down stream.

“Up there will be the fish farm and we will turn around there.” Jim waved them on.

“How is the boyfriend?” Deborah asked Doty.

“He’s just great. I will be seeing him in a few weeks. Going back there to buy another car. This one is getting some miles on it.”

“The taxes and everything are less back there, are they?” Deborah asked.

“Oh, yes. I save a bundle registering out of state.”

“Good for you,” Deborah added. “So, who watches the mobile home when you are away?”

“There is an on-site maintenance guy and he takes care of everything. It’s great.”

“How about the dogs when you are gone?”

“Oh, the roommate does that. She takes care of them and the house. She and her boyfriend rent one room and she takes care of everything for me when I’m gone.”

“That is so convenient.”

“Yes, I know. It really works out well for them.”

“That is so nice. . .”

Vondra walked a bit faster and left the two women behind. She came up behind two of the guys in the group who were a bit farther ahead.

“… triple bi-pass it was. I don’t do too much anymore except these hikes.”

“Well, it’s good you can still get out. My wife can’t hike at all anymore. Knees bother her.”

“Yeah, but that’s the worst thing, staying at home. She needs to get out.”

The other man nodded, “I know, she just won’t.” They both sighed.

“What can you do?” Triple bi-pass was saying. His companion shrugged.

The group was approaching the fish farm. They straggled up to the fence surrounding the property.

“The park system,” Jim announced when he finally huffed up, “is building this new facility. They will have salmon in place by summer.” The group murmured again. They all stared at a bunch of construction equipment and piles of sand seen through the fencing.

“It will be great for the local fishermen.” Collective nods.

They all turned around and started back.

Vondra attempted conversation with triple-bi pass.

“So, do you fish?”

“No, never liked that much. Used to ride motorcycles but can’t do that anymore. Too much stress on the old ticker.” He smiled a grim smile and patted his chest.

“Ah,” Vondra responded. “Well, this hiking is nice.”

“Yeah, it’s about all I can manage anymore,” triple-pass, Frank responded.

“You ride bikes?” he asked.

Vondra shook her head. “No, never got into that, actually.”

Frank shrugged and trudged on.

 

Eventually, the group rambled back to the parking lot. They began pulling bottles of juice and water out of trunks and bags of various snack food. Vondra waited at the CRV and Deborah and Sue finally came into view. Deborah hit the fob on her key and the locks popped open. Vondra opened the door and dropped her bag on the floor. She pulled out apple chips and started munching on them.

Jim hove into view and people began to gather and chat up about the next hike.

Soon it was time to go and Vondra, Sue, Deborah and Frank got into the CRV to leave. Deborah started up and was moving out of the parking lot and hitting buttons on her cell phone which was attached to a gadget on the dash.

“And I just got this. Isn’t it great? Holds my phone upright so I can see it all the time.” She was chirping as the vehicle moved forward.

“Deborah. . .” Vondra said.

“See it’s this little button here….”

“Deborah, Deborah!” Vondra shouted as the 4×4 truck was swerving into their lane without stopping. Deborah jerked the wheel to the right. The vehicles passed each other side to side.

“Oh, silly, I knew he was going to turn!” Deborah waved her hand in the air. Vondra unclutched her hands from the front seat where she was sitting.

She never even saw him, she grimaced to herself.

They were on the road back to the meet-up site to get their cars.

Vondra dug through her backpack and grabbed her wallet.

“Is five dollars enough for gas, Deborah?”

“Sure,” Deborah glanced her way. “If that’s what you can afford.”

“If it needs to be more….”

“No, no,” Deborah laughed. “That’s fine, really.” She snatched the fiver and plunked it into the console. The other passengers started pulling out money too. She took their offerings without comment.

 

Back at the car park, they all got out and started to their separate cars.

“Great hike!”

“Good weather!”

“Can’t wait to go again.”

People started waving at each other and getting into cars.

Vondra got into her little used sedan. She threw the boots in the back and put on a pair of flip-flops.

She started the engine and waved at the others leaving.

“Okay,” she said to the little blue car with gritted teeth, “time to go get a pair of those damned hiking sticks. Shit!” She started the car and headed off.

cew/18

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

January 30, 2017

Ronnie Ann Ryan

Blog Understanding Men 

Interested in a man and looking for answers on, “When will he ask me out on a second date?”  Read on to find out what you need to know about understanding midlife single men.

When Will He Ask Me Out Again? That’s the Big Question

You met a guy online and your first date was great! You had a good time and you know he did too. He texted you after telling you so. You’ve been texting for a few days which is fun. He’s witty and has a good sense of humor too.

But as the days tick by, you start to wonder when will he ask me out on a second date? It’s completely natural to be curious about this and even a bit anxious. Especially when you had such a good time. You really can’t wait to see him again.

You wish there was a way to make the phone ring. But there isn’t. You think about texting him to see if he’s still interested. Maybe that’s what you should do. But then you’re not sure and the last thing you want to do is ruin your chances.

Wondering when he will ask me out and waiting around stinks!

How Long Should It Take to Get a Second Date?

Not surprisingly, the length of time between a first and second date varies by the man and the situation. However, the amount of time it does takes is telling.

The best case scenario is when a man asks you for a second date while you are still on the first one. That’s always a good omen! If he waits just a few days, like two to three, that’s also a positive sign. In fact, anytime within the first week is optimal. If he wants to see you again quickly, that means you are on his mind,.When the gap between first and second date is longer, like two or three weeks, that might indicate a number of things that aren’t so positive:

• He’s too busy to date
• He’s not really ready to date
• He’s not serious about finding love
• He’s dating a lot of women and you’re not high on the list
• He’s not that into you

Yes, sometimes a man has to travel for work or has a lot on his plate. But these situations do not bode well for a blossoming relationship. When a man takes weeks to ask for a second date, of course you can go. But do not get attached or stop dating other men for him. While it’s true anything is possible, I wouldn’t bet on a guy who is slow to request that second date.

How to Know When to Move On

When you’re objective about what is happening in your dating life, then you can face facts. Not being asked for a second date within a week indicates he might not be the right man. The sooner you realize this and accept it, the less you’ll feel confused, hurt, disappointed or rejected by him. The less time you’ll spend analyzing everything you said and did and feeling badly about yourself. The faster you can move on to find the right man

There are plenty of men out there. Don’t set your hopes on a man you’ve just men. Stay objective as long as possible. Date several men at once – just for the first few dates. Most will disappear any way because they aren’t right for you and they know it.

Signs He’s Really Interested

See, the right man for you will WANT to get to know you. He’ll be EXCITED to spend time with you and will do what it takes to make that time. he’ll stay in touch ever couple of days. He’ll text AND call. He’ll ask in advance even if he’s going out of town so he knows he can see you when he gets back. His consistency is a true signal of his intent.

And that is exactly what you want. A man who knows what he wants and when he meets you, he knows you’re the one to pursue. Which is exactly what he does. The right man for you doesn’t leave you feeling confused or wondering ‘when will he ask me out’.

 

Daily Beast

ALL THE SINGLE LADIES

If you’re a single, college-educated woman in Manhattan, the cards of love are stacked in favor of you remaining single.

EMILY SHIRE

09.07.15 12:15 AM ET

You feel like you’re in romantic purgatory.

It’s real. It’s not a hazy paranoia.

And it’s not a matter of being too fat or too loud, too timid or too aggressive, too slutty or too frigid. If you’re a single, college-educated woman in Manhattan, the cards of love are stacked in favor of you remaining single—but it has nothing to do with texting a guy too soon or (not) sleeping with someone on a third date.

As financial reporter and author of Date-Onomics: How Dating Became a Lopsided Numbers Game, Jon Birger puts it, “It’s not that He’s Just not That Into You. It’s that There Aren’t Enough of Him.”

In his book, Birger eloquently explains, in terms that even the non-statistically-literate can comprehend, that the gender ratios of college graduating classes in the past few decades reveal that there really aren’t enough single guys. The “man deficit” is real for the graduate set. The current college class breakdown of women to men is 57:43, which means that there will be about one-third more women than men with college degrees when graduation arrives.

If we assume these women will want to marry college-educated men—a desire that Birger convincingly argues should and will change—there’s simply not enough men to make all those trips down the aisle a reality.

Recent debates about dating and sex have been seriously lacking in data. We’ve argued about hookup culture and whether it brought the death of monogamy and marriage, and about whether feminism and sexual liberation—giving women control over their reproductive health and sexual expression, while freeing them from the confines of a virgin ideal—could be considered the cause. But we’ve never really looked hard at the demographics—which may provide a far better, more concrete answer.

 

Birger points to a relatively overlooked book, Too Many Women?:The Sex Ratio Question, which was written by professors Marcia Guttentag and Paul Secord, and published in 1983. Guttentag and Secord noticed there was an over-supply of young, single women when the Women’s Liberation movement and the sexual revolution blossomed. Further research showed that societies tended to skew away from monogamy when men were in scarce supply.

“The sexual revolution and the hookup culture… are both rooted in a statistical over-supply of women,” writes Birger. This conclusion that people should lay off of feminism as the culprit for hook-up culture is not the focus of Date-Onomics, but a rewarding one for anyone tired of hand-wringing about whether feminism “hurts” women.

Not for nothing are there 39 percent more women ages 22 to 29 with college degrees in Manhattan than men in the same bracket, with a gap of 100,000 between female and male college degree holders under the age of 35 in the entire city.

Top of Form

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Bottom of Form

The gap’s impact on dating for straight, single women is exacerbated, Birger explains, because men with college degrees are consciously or subconsciously aware that they are in scarce supply. They take advantage of their rarefied status by holding off settling down and enjoying the market of riches—and Birger’s book includes colorful anecdotes. One woman recalls a boyfriend who felt entitled to grope her friend right in front of her because he thought he deserved a threesome. When I speak with Birger, he assures me they weren’t all as bad as Hendriks.

These men have the problem—or, really, the luxury—of the “paradox of choice.” It’s harder to commit to just one lady because they believe another woman will always be a little better.

But despite these stark numbers and sobering (yet familiar) stories, the joy of reading Date-Onomics comes, in part, from the fact there is something so satisfying in knowing you’re a bit fucked, but it’s not your fault. His data provides concrete, liberating evidence that we should stop over-analyzing the nonsense minutiae of modern dating.

“The idea that waiting an extra 12 hours makes the difference between being with Mr. Right forever and not, I mean it just doesn’t make sense, right? It’s not a strategic problem, it’s a demographic problem.”

In fact, the dating advice that is offered up in Date-Onomics runs refreshingly against the courtship narratives that are most restrictive for women.

For example, even in 2015, women are still often expected to “play hard to get” and “let men take the lead.” Women who don’t demurely wait to be fawned over are often branded as “desperate” or “pathetic.”

Birger counters these women are not, in fact, desperate. They’re married because they took fate into their own hands—which is all the more needed when the numbers are so against you.

In seven of the couples, the woman pursued the men.

“It’s decisive women who, maybe, odds-wise are more likely to get the guy,” Birger tells me. That’s because “guys don’t like to be rejected. They would rather not take their chance than put themselves out there and get rejected.”

There were moments when Date-Onomics is initially disheartening—especially if you’re a 25-year-old woman who takes comfort fantasizing the perfect guy is out there and you just haven’t found him yet.

“For a college-educated woman who puts an extremely high-priority on getting married to a college-educated man, she may be better off strategically—though not necessarily romantically—getting married young to Mr. Perfectly Acceptable rather than holding out to 40 for Mr. Right,” Birger writes. My initial response to this was panic. But, as occurred so many times reading Date-Onomics, I ultimately felt liberated, fear replaced by the realization that driving yourself crazy to find some mystical “best”—and, in turn, to attract that mystical “best”—was a waste. It’s a passage I proceeded to share with nearly every friend on Gchat.

When I ask Birger how he began exploring the “man deficit” when he’s been out of the dating world for decades, he says his female colleagues and friends were his motivators.

When a work friend in her late thirties mentioned that she and her boyfriend, a man in his mid-forties, broke up because he wasn’t ready to settle down, her visible sadness left Birger feeling frustrated enough to investigate what he had long pondered: Why were his amazing female friends and colleagues single after years of dating and seeking marriage?

“I had this initial reaction of exasperation,” he said. “I just know all these women who have so much going for them and their self-confidence has been shot by being in cities, like New York City. It’s terrible women are making these strides, and this minority of men who are college-educated are benefitting from something over which they have no control.”

“As a financial writer, I see that there are all sorts of examples of market inefficiencies that people can exploit only because the people participating in them are the only ones who know about them,” Birger tells me. “Ones they’re exposed, people’s behavior changes.”

In Date-Onomics, he cites how baseball changed after Michael Lewis’s Moneyball exposed Oakland A’s general manager Billy Beane’s strategy of picking up hitters with high on-base percentages because they were undervalued. Only a few years after the book’s publication, the “cost of acquiring such hitters via the free agent market soared.”

Birger does have a few suggestions for improving one’s odds as a college-educated woman looking to marry.

One is simply “Go West, young woman.” Move yourself into man-heavy tech enclaves, like Silicon Valley. California, Colorado, and Washington tend to be states with gender ratios friendlier to women. In Santa Clara County among the 20-29 age group, there are 38 percent more single men than women and 48 percent more single men than women in the 30-39 group, The county tends to have fewer divorces, too—another upshot of men being scarce.

Besides, it’s a relatively superficial response to the larger root of the college gender gap, a problem that affects so much more than dating: Boys are lagging behind in higher education. “More boys need to go to college. That’s the long-term solution,” Birger says.

“I am certainly not suggesting we do it at the expense of girls. I just think there’s a boy problem we need to address. There shouldn’t be 35 percent more women than men in college.”

“Forget about dating. It’s really about the economy,” he says. In Date-Onomics, Birger cities a study conducted by Columbia Business School professor Shang-Jin Wei and economist Xiabao Zhang showing that “20 percent of China’s GDP growth from 2000 through 2005 was attributable to the oversupply of men.” With women in China in short supply, the eligible bachelorettes made it clear that they prioritized guys with cash—which in turn, may have fueled the economy.

At the same time, men and women should both be less resistant to what Birger refers to as “mixed-collar marriages,” i.e, doctors, lawyers, and bankers marrying people without college degrees who work in blue-collar professions.

By confining themselves to degree-holders, Birger argues that women are “limiting their options and giving those college grad men too much leverage.”

It’s one of the strongest directives to come from a man who is hesitant to peddle too much specific advice when it comes to finding “the one.” As he often does during our interview, Birger places heavy caveats on his counsel, noting he’s not a dating coach or matchmaker.

“I’m not a dating professional,” he says. “Who wants to take dating advice from a financial writer?”

Well, I certainly do—and maybe so should others.