Speed dating for the Middle Aged: articles on getting it right.

It’s the good news and the bad news. The good news is that, unlike some
of your friends, former classmates and relatives, you have actually made it to middle-age. Yeah! The bad news is if you are divorced or widowed it is harder and harder every year to get a date.

Reality folks. Bum deal. And it is true for both men and women(ha,ha!) So, on days you feel lonely and are cursing the mirror, think for a moment on the dearly departed and well….could be worse, right?

Okay, given the fact that you aren’t 25 any more, what are some of the components that make up middle-aged dating. Well, evaluation of partners is the starting point. The following article talks about the reality of how fast a person ‘sums up a future partner.’ And, wow, it’s pretty fast.

You’ve got 7 seconds to impress me: How we size up men in next to no time.
By MICHELLE O’CONNOR – http://www.dailymail.co.uk.
UPDATED: 03:47 EST, 13 December 2010

Would you pass ‘the seven-­second test’?
‘It takes only seven seconds for us to judge another person when we first meet them,’ says Linda Blair, clinical psychologist and author of Straight Talking.
‘It’s not a conscious process, so we don’t even realise we’re doing it – but it goes back to our primitive roots when we couldn’t afford to make wrong decisions.’

Under pressure: We subconsciously judge people within the first seven seconds of meeting them. Judi James, author of The Body Language Bible, agrees: ‘Judging other people in the first few seconds of meeting them is part of our survival response. So, although we might understand that it’s a flawed and prejudiced way of evaluation, we can’t stop ourselves doing it.
‘We’re looking primarily to see if we should feel threatened, but we also make several assumptions about attraction and personality. This is also known as the attribution effect.
‘Because we tend to be time-poor, we use assumption as a short-cut, meaning if you don’t get it right first time you might not get another chance.’
But she warns: ‘Although we instantly judge others, we slip up on signals we give out, meaning we lose ground by arriving at business or social events looking dour, anxious, shy or hostile, usually without realising it.
‘We’re happy to warm up as we go along, but we should put in some effort to hit the ground running – defining who we are and what we’re like accurately at first meeting.’

So, the experts in the field tell us that actually, both sexes do ‘size up’ the potential partner in less than a few seconds. That is just the first step in wanting to know you. Since we are not sixteen anymore and are in less of a hurry; generally people who are older spend more time deciding if they want to invest in the relationship or not. According to studies, women take more time than men, but men can take their time too.

What do men/women want the most? There are a lot of personal qualities that men want in women and that women want in men. These involve dependablility, truthfulness, reliability, trust, understanding, friendship and so on. However, before we even get to that level of the relationship, there has to a be a relationship to start from and that is where age plays a big part.

What Men Want: 7 Traits Men Look For In The Lady Of Their Dreams
NOV 1, 2019

For years, we’ve talked about finding the right woman — someone we can ride the waves of life with, who will stand by our side for better or for worse.
As a man, committing to The One is among the most important decisions we make in life; some may even argue it is the most important.

“A healthier and more balanced approach might be to understand that there are many people you can connect with, but that they might not all be relationship material because of one reason or another,” Melamed said. “We have many chances in life to meet and connect, it’s just whether or not we allow ourselves the opportunity to do so.”
There’s so much that can go into deciding who to share your life with, so I compiled a list of the qualities to look for whenever you feel a spark with someone new.

1. They’re Reliable.
When you’re building a life with someone, one of the key tenants of your relationship is trust. The ability to trust someone, to rely on the fact that you’ll be there for each other through the ups and downs, can be crucial in any relationship.
2. They’re Respectful.
Another foundational aspect of any healthy relationship is mutual respect. If you and your partner struggle to respect each other’s boundaries and bodies, you might not be dating your life partner.
3. They’re Supportive.
A relationship is made up of two (or more) individuals with their own dreams, goals, and desires. It’s vital that all members of a partnership are supportive of each other’s intentions in order for everyone to thrive.
4. They’re your best friend.
If you’re building a life with someone, your relationship will encompass not just the serious stuff, but the silly, trivial, more intimate moments, as well. Dating someone who is not just your partner, but your partner-in-crime can make even the smallest of moments into an adventure.
5. They listen.
Active listening — not just hearing, but taking in everything your partner is saying and engaging with it — can be a fundamental part of any working relationship, romantic or otherwise.
6. They’re self-aware.
Self-awareness in no way means perfection, but it does imply that both partners are working on themselves individually. Self-awareness can create security, which makes room for vulnerability, communication, and trust.
7. They communicate.
Say it with me for the people in the back: Open and honest communication is the foundation of any happy and healthy relationship. If you and your partner are building a life together, it’s crucial that you feel comfortable communicating with each other.
Additional reporting by Iman Hariri-Kia.
This article was originally published on May 4, 2015

A woman has to determine as quickly as possible whether the middle-aged man is chasing the dream of youth and of maybe becoming a father the first time or the 5th time. If that is the case, there is no point in chasing a guy like this because ‘younger’ is all he is looking for. On the part of the man, he needs to determine if the lady is looking to hook up with a check book. If so, regardless of how you feel about her, God forbid you should have a business or financial set back. The lady could be out the door in a nano second.

For myself, I stay pretty active physically and get to the gym a lot, watch my diet, etc. and with that (plus good genes) I’m told I don’t look my age. I may meet a guy who is very interested at first, but then after time, while I don’t announce my age over the loud speaker, by virtue of reference points and past experiences, they figure it out.

It is when this realization dawns, that I will see the men pushing away. Oh, no, she’s that old? What would people think, etc. etc. etc? As the following article suggests, it is really important to try and not take rejection personally. Realize that a lot of it has to due with the age factor, social pressures, and peoples’ natural programming to mate, procreate, etc. However, once I sense rejection once or twice, I don’t wait for the third or fourth time. We are done. As indicated before, men and women both make decisions about who they want to be with very quickly. Don’t beat the dead horse or the ‘dead bed’ as a fellow once said to me. It is not worth it. Move on quickly and give the next potential a chance.

Coping with rejection: 7 ways to deal with it
1. Don’t take it personally. Although it may feel very hurtful it is not you as a person that is being rejected. …
2. Don’t generalise. …
3. Stay positive. …
4. Let them go. …
5. Keep trying. …
6. Ghosts of the past. …
7. Be conscious about how you turn someone down.
Coping with rejection: 7 ways to deal with it – eharmony Dating …

https://www.eharmony.co.uk › dating-advice › dating-coping-with-rejection

How do you recognize the signs of rejection? Due to social pressures in our society, the signs of rejection may be very subtile (no one wants to look like the bad guy.)However, there are some pretty clear markers – such as: no eye contact. The individual never looks at you or glances your way and immediately looks away. No physical contact. The person may deliberately sit as far away from you as possible. No engagement; the person will respond but only if spoken to. They never initiate conversation. They may respond to phone calls, emails etc., but will never initiate any on their own. This can be true of romantic partners and/or same sex friends.
On the other hand, a person who is interested in knowing you will: smile when they see you, maybe wave. They will start a conversation, regardless of how brief. They find reasons to be somewhere at the same time you are there. They may make the phone call, send an email, letter, card, etc. Frankly, I have found to my surprise, these rules apply to female friends as well as male ones.

Once you have been rejected by a certain individual, there might be some changes in your life. For example: you lose 50 pounds, inherit money, win the lotto, get a big promotion, sell a book, whatever, and the person comes back, looking interested again. Just say no; don’t look back. If you weren’t good enough 50 pounds ago, or without the car, money etc., you aren’t good enough now. That man/woman is a user/taker who are looking for what they can get. Their real interest is not now and never was, you the person. Have enough self-respect to honor that and honor yourself.

Speed dating is just that, reacting with speed. We know enough now to know that others judge us; as potential partners, neighbors, employees, employers, dance partners, etc.,very quickly. We need to accept that as a fact of life, recognize that, realize when we have been ‘judged’ as not… something enough and simply move on. Stop agonizing about it. Remember, when you are on this side of the grass, it is not a bad thing. Hold on to your same-sex relationships, they could be the longest lasting ones you ever have. Develop hobbies and friends, get your hair cut, keep on self-grooming because you are worth it and stay open to the possibilities life has to offer. Be grateful and happy to be alive.