Harnessing the N quality of your personality. The Intuitive part.

(https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test – a free test.)

Many of you have taken the Meyers-Briggs personality test. If so, you may have scored an N on your test which is a measure of your intuitive ability. Again, this is not a ‘mother’ quality, necessarily. Good mothers probably have a fair amount of this quality; however, so do gamblers, lawyers, negotiators, stock brokers, real estate agents, salespeople and general con artists. But, I am not suggesting that anyone become a con artist!!!! However, your intuitive skills and abilities are very important in inter-relationships with others, especially men.

Aagain, in relationships with men we frequently have to let go of the skills, abilities and go-to places that are so familiar. The Guide, the Counselor, the Helper, the Nurse and the Mother roles feel familiar and safe. Like a heavy winter coat, we need to take off that coat and bring forth other skills and abilities that are there, maybe latent, or underdeveloped. That said, we don’t have to stand naked and shivering in the cold light of day, there are other supports to be developed which we will discuss more in later chapters.

What is my job here if it not nurse, helper, guide, counselor and helpful Hannah?

What is my job in this dating game if it is not these familiar roles? Think of it like a light spring coat, in my mind, it is multi-colored with shades of green and other spring colors. You can imagine your coat anyway you want.

Your job is to listen and absorb information. Then to be open to your own feelings and reactions;, not to guide, counsel, improve, inform, redirect, help, the other person.  Your job is to take care of you. If you do establish a relationship, there may be time to be the helper, to an extent, but regardless, you should never act as the man’s mother unless you want an adult child on your hands.

So, you are having a conversation with a man and you think, I might be interested! You may find yourself slipping into a fantasy about the potential of the relationship with hearts and flowers, la-la-la. Give yourself a mental slap, get back into the now and pay attention to what he is saying.

What is he saying? Talking about the ex-wife, the ex-girlfriends, what happened in the relationship (s), relationships with parents, brothers, sisters, friends, co-workers and others? How does he feel about family, friends and work? Is he happy or unhappy? Is he successful or not, even in relationship according to his own value set. Success does not necessarily mean a big house and a fast car. A man may feel contented with an apartment or condo and a used car. If he is in a serene place with children, ex’s, family, job and his own body, he may a person with room in his life for a relationship.

Pushmi-Pullyu

They had no tail, but a head at each end, and sharp horns on each head. They were very shy and terribly hard to catch. The… men get most of their animals by sneaking up behind them while they are not looking. But you could not do this with the pushmi–pullyu — because no matter which way you came towards him, he was always facing you. [The Story of Doctor Dolittle](Lofting, 1920.)

Every relationship has push and pull components. You push, he pulls – he pushes and you pull. Your job is to use your intuitive self and your 6th sense to recognize these natural back and forth pulls in the relationship.

Particularly in the beginning of a possible relationship, you need to recognize the point at which the man either advances or he pulls away.

Wow! Oh, my God! He is pulling away! Hit the panic button and the red lights are flashing!!!!!! What now????????

Don’t chase.

The more you chase, the faster he will run the other direction. This is the time when you pull into yourself, center yourself, do your meditation and let go and relax.

How Can I Miss you if you Never Go Away? (1969) Dan Hicks and his Hot Licks.

We can utilize our intuitive sense to feel that the man is pulling away. We can be intuitive but we are not mind readers. We don’t know exactly what the man is thinking during this phase. Too often, as women, we conclude that it has something to do with us. We are too tall, too short, too fat, too skinny, too smart, too stupid, too educated or not educated enough, too rich or too poor. We are less than in some terms and that is why he is leaving.

Stop. You don’t know that and stop trying to figure it out. Refer back to the paragraph about men and their fears. The man may be reacting to the fears in his head and it may have little to do with you. However, that said, chasing after the man like a hungry carnivore looking for lunch will not dispel his fears. More the opposite.

What now?

Let go. Trust in whatever Higher Power that you believe in that things will work out the way they should. Relax and focus on you and not him.

This is the time to do You work and take your focus completely off him. Relax that grip you feel in both hands. Relationships are a process. You must let him process his feelings. He may like you, he may like spending time with you. However, like is not love. It can be the beginnings of love or not. He might like you, sense that you have feelings for him and pull away because he a) doesn’t want to lead you on or b) doesn’t want to get tangled up in a relationship, any relationship or c) he doesn’t love you, knows it and wants to cut his losses. Lastly, he may be confused about his feelings for you and distance can be the great clarifier. As he has distance, he is able to sort his feelings out and determine if he wants to reconnect or to disconnect. Either way, you are going to need to be accepting of his decision. The last thing you want is being trapped in a relationship with a man who feels trapped.

Allow the man time. He knows how to reach you. Let him reconnect, if that is what he wants on his own time schedule. If he doesn’t…oh well, sigh. If he does…whee! Imagine your surprise and delight when he re-enters your life and you didn’t have to do anything except sit there!

So, while you are contemplating your navel, feeling down and a little sorry for yourself, contemplate something else. How many times have you been pursued by men you had absolutely no interest in? And have they been relentless and obnoxious in their pursuit? Have you had to take steps to avoid certain men? All the time thinking to yourself, why is it always the ones I have no interest in?????? Maybe that is the point. Men frequently want the very thing they can’t have. The more you say no (and mean it) the harder they pursue.

So, are we playing games here? Not really. Games require work and effort instead of relaxing, letting go and allowing ‘the game’ to unfold without controlling, manipulating, coaxing, threatening, demanding, following, and all other activities that are so time consuming and fatiguing.

We let go and work on the Me inside.

Romantic you:

Your favorite movies are: The Proposal (Ryan Reynolds, Sandra Bullock), The Notebook (Sandra Bullock, Keanu Reeves), Somewhere in Time, and the list goes on. Your favorite books are all things: HEA (Happily Ever After), you wanted to be Cinderella when you were a kid, your favorite colors are pink or red, you love Valentine’s Day and Christmas (shades of red and pink).

You believe in happily ever after; however, it doesn’t quite seem to be coming true for you. Hmm. How can some women catch the brass ring and others not? What is the difference?

Sometimes it is luck. Sometimes timing. Sometimes, our pickers are a little bent and we tend to pick Mr. Wrong, again and again. Sigh. I want off this terrible merry-go-round she says. Is it possible? It is possible but it does take some work.

Meditation, friends, family, exercise, diet and having a life. Being the best you.

Skills and Hobbies

One of my favorite hobbies is social dancing. Unfortunately, due to Covid, most of us were not able to participate in this sport for some time. Gradually, as people become vaccinated, more people are returning to the dance floor.

I want to talk about one young lady who caught my eye several times. Young, in her twenties, she is not very tall, maybe 5’3” and slim. Not a pretty face either, one might describe it as ‘interesting,’ but certainly not beautiful. She dyed her hair a deep red color and usually spends a lot of time on the dance floor when she is there.

Why? This young lady is a very good dancer and makes a good dance partner. She has clearly been at it awhile and the men are pleased to dance with her. Now, has she gotten a husband/boyfriend off the dance floors? I have no idea. But I do know that she was having a lot of fun while in the studio and probably left feeling good about herself.

Isn’t that the point? Claiming the prize (a man) needs to stop being the all-encompassing motive for our activities. And, by the way, good for her!

The very opposite of that attitude is one held by a close friend of mine. A woman my age who has given up on diet and exercise. Again, why?

According to her, since she has given up on relationships (romantic) there is no need to exercise. Because, of course, the only reason ever exercise is to secure a man, right? My friend has steadily gained weight over the years and is miserable.

We all want relationships, otherwise, why read this book? However, the eye on the prize thinking has to change. We don’t get it together to get a man and then quit. (What is Mr. Wonderful going to think about us then?) We take responsibility for ourselves and our bodies and stop whining about it. Our lives and existence do not have to be, nor should be, all about ‘getting a man.’